I have been struggling this week with pity party's. I mean, don't get me wrong, I've been full of joy and can't tell you how great my emotional and spiritual well-being has been of late (I believe the Daniel Fast + Holy Spirit are to thank for that).
BUT, my birthday is in a month, and I actually asked off for an extended weekend (so 5 whole days of nothin but time) in the hopes that by this point I'd have at least one roommate and the finances to take a little trip to Toronto. And here's the kicker - I was like, "That's ok, it'll probably be cheaper to find something more local (on the lake), so let's try that..." Nope. It's MORE expensive.
Alas, that inner-timeline is not shaping up how I would like, and big-girl bills are coming my way:
- car maintenance (she's 15 years old guys...) $$$
- bike repair $$
- yard repair/upkeep $
- running shoes (gotta save the back and knees) $$
- and the monthly student loan $$
To name a few.
Why is it so hard sometimes to blend my desire to steward what I have well and feed my soul's need for exploration???
Between last night and today, I have really been at war with this desire to travel and the need to monitor my finances. Sometimes I truly hate how responsible I am. I know, for a fact, that I could take a little trip, no questions asked, and it's not like it'd be this huge chunk of money gone. But, I have been graced with the skill of looking ahead and seeing the bigger picture...and that's when I have to have that little sit down chat with myself.
(If you could see me now as I write this, my face is scrunched up and I'm really wanting to have a little tantrum.)
This one thing just keeps repeating in my head. "Steward well."
I feel like part of growing up and maturing is establishing healthy financial practices. Let me just say up front, I am by no means a "financial wizard" or some wunderkind with money. But I will say, I have been very intentional that the only debt I have to take care of are my student loans - that means no credit card bills that are too big to pay, refraining from a lot of "wants", eating in, and going for second-hand rather than new for almost everything, bargain hunting/shopping, etc.
Please do not think I'm trying to sit on some high horse and say that 1) my approach to finances is the way, or 2) that I condemn folks who are more relaxed than me in this area, (or anything negative!). On the contrary, this is one time where I wish I could be all, "It doesn't matter! You only have one life, do it girl!" And while I'd probably enjoy the trip, I know, FOR A FACT, that my conscience would eat away at me with, "That meal was expensive", "How much have you spent so far?", "You know you're going to have to deal with x, y, z when you get home", and "What if x, y, or z happens with the car on the way back?".
Which leads to another battle - the battle I have for control (which stems from pride) & fear. There's a good deal I don't have control over right now, and I think this is one area I can attempt to control. I have also noticed this compulsory behavior to plan for every possible scenario (good or bad), and fight to not let it cripple me. Money can be such a divisive, controlling thing, and the god of Mammon will use not just greed but the fear of lacking/not having enough to establish some kind of foothold. If allowed a foothold, that spirit can then work on creating a wedge between you and God. And so, to combat these different forces at work around me, what do I do?
During my Daniel Fast, I became very intentional in a few things: prayer, worship, and awareness.
Prayer: takes it's form in many ways for me - written, spoken, sung/played
Worship: not just the act of making music on a Sunday, but filling moments where the enemy will try to sneak in with doubts and fears with Praise (the new Hillsong UNITED album "People" has been my go to for the past week and a half); playing my instruments for just me and God; dancing in joyous adoration and fierce battle
Awareness: recognizing thoughts that are going to bring me down or try to place a wedge between myself and God, and actively employing a therapy technique called "*thought stopping*". I then replace the worry with something positive, or say "It's not my job to worry"/"It's not about me"/"You have no place in my head". Followed by singing/speaking Truth (scripture).
I realize, reading the above portion it might sound "hokey" or "weird" or "super spiritual". Again, I'm talking about what has been working for me, which is rooted firmly in my belief in God and what He stands for, is capable of, and want for me/my life.
"This Is How I Fight My Battles/Surrounded" by Michael W. Smith OR The UpperRoom
"This is how I fight my battles
It may look like I'm surrounded But I'm surrounded by You"
Side note: The other thing is, I have a family vacay coming up in August. I am responsible for my plane tickets (amen!). I will get to adventure and explore to my hearts content (I think...) while in North Carolina. I am not going to be deprived of fun or adventure. And there will be other expenses that I know will come up for this trip: might need a new suitcase, might want to get a new swim suit, will be boarding the pup...Which by that point I'm believing will be less of an issue.
So again I go back to 1) steward well, 2) look ahead/at the bigger picture, and 3) look at the glass half full.
And just in case you were starting to worry, don't! I will feed my wanderlust with: (I think/hope) plenty of day trips I can take closer to home, do a cookout in my backyard to celebrate adding another year to my life, and look on the bright side.
*Thought stopping: is a cognitive intervention technique prescribed by therapists (psychologists and psychiatrists) with the goal of interrupting and removing problematic recurring thought patterns. The problem thought could be a worry, an obsession, an urge, an unwanted habit, etc. (wikipedia.com)
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